“When Adults Act Like Children”

We’ve all experienced it…the high pitched screaming…louder and more pathetic with a growing mixture of crying sobs every passing moment…the flailing of legs and arms like they’re made of gelatin (Jello for those under 55 years old)…and the various faces of those involved – faces of total shock, despair, embarrassment, terror, or fuming anger to name a few. Yes, I’m describing a childish fit. We can all relate, whether we’ve observed a childish fit in a local store, in our house or car, and whether the child is someone else’s or the child is our own.

When it’s someone else’s “mess”, we usually roll our eyes (c’mon, admit it) and keep on walking. But what do we do when it’s our child or grandchild? Well, it depends. It can depend on factors like the child’s age, level of maturity, our environment, and our own natural tendencies that are on full display during times of distress. Some of our tendencies are helpful and some others, not so much. Some parents swoop in and perform the patented “grab and go” and keep moving on with their day. Some parents try to motivate the child with some candy, or the promise of a new toy once they calm down. Other parents do nothing, trying to ignore the behavior, waiting it out until the child comes back to their senses. Others might do a combination of all of these. And there might be a small handful of parents that are to hit that healthy and helpful sweet-spot, exhibiting love, patience, and clear boundaries (ok, maybe can’t relate after all).

But what if the child throwing the fit isn’t 3 years old, or even 14, but the “child” is our spouse…or our parent? Ok, you knew this was coming, but it doesn’t mean that it’s still not some mixture of horrifying, depressing, and perplexing. What do we do then? As weird as it may feel, and as counter-intuitive as it may seem, the first thing we can choose to do is to acknowledge to ourselves that the behavior is childish, no matter if the adult in question is 40, 60, or 80 years old. This often takes perspective from others that aren’t as close to the situation, like a trusted family member, friend, or counselor. This also takes self-kindness and compassion. Relationships with adults that struggle with childish outbursts, wining, and other manipulative tactics to get their way, are incredibly challenging! Many of these childish adults have mastered these behaviors as a way to try to protect themselves and control the people and environments around them. I often refer to them as “professionals” at keeping status quo where they get to do what they want, and others (usually a spouse) are trained to feel responsible or helpless. This behavior isn’t usually conscious, which often makes it harder to sift out and manage.

After acknowledging the behavior as childish, the second thing we can choose to do is to acknowledge the behavior’s effect on us. How do we feel around this person? Are we always walking on egg-shells” around them? Is it always our fault somehow? Sure, none of us are perfect, but that’s not what we’re talking about here. Again, we’re talking now about behavior that is “masterfully manipulative”. It usually takes quite an emotional and relational toll on us, yet things don’t really change.

After acknowledging the behavior and the effects on us, the third thing we can choose to do is to get help as you consider ways you can begin to regain your power and self-esteem, by treating the childish behaviors with various parenting skills and approaches that still apply. What may not apply are the goals for parenting the childish adult in our life. We may not change the behavior for the better, in fact, it may worsen. This is about trying to improve your life and how you feel and think about yourself.

Here are a few choices for you to carefully consider with the potential support from a trusted helper:

– Choose one way you can allow a natural consequence to happen without intervening (enabling).

– Choose to share, without much emotion, one thing you feel (when this happens, I feel alone and insecure).

– Choose to share, without much emotion, one thing you need (when this happens, I need time away from you to think).

– Choose an ongoing scenario that will no longer involve you saying, “I’m sorry”.

We here at Heritage Counseling are here to help. Another resource to check out is Al-Anon, and the support that its various confidential groups (live, online, and by phone) can provide. http://www.al-anon.org