Posted by Have you ever spoken to someone who spoke a different language from your own; or have you ever been spoken to by someone who speaks a different language. In some cases, when they attempted to speak your language, you could barely understand. Even so, you could read their body language and you could tell that they were communicating kindness, hopefully kindness instead of the opposite. It is believed that about 90 percent of communication is nonverbal. Perhaps this was a part of God’s plan for us because he knew our verbal language would be different.
Good communication is essential in our relationships. However, although most of us in the United States speaks fluent English, good communication remains a problem. Consequently, most of the couples I see for marriage counseling say they are having communication problems. If 90 percent of communication is non-verbal, it is likely that social media, texting, and emails may contribute to the poor communication that we experience with one another.
Dr. Gary Chapman wrote a very famous book called The Five Love Languages which can be applied in a variety of relationships. The concept of this book is affirmed by most that I have encountered. It is learning how to communicate by words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time, and physical touch. All of us can relate to at least one of these means of communication. However, in my observation with couples, the love language of each of the individuals is usually different, which is like having two people attempting to communicate with each other in a language that is unknown by the other person. Most would agree that Spanish, German, English, etc. are all equal languages in the world we live in, but for one who does not understand German, for example, there may be a problem of poor communication.
Often, couples say they love each other but they don’t feel loved by their partner. The five love languages are designed to help couples to feel loved by each other. But what happens when one person finds it difficult to speak their partner’s love language. A person who is not very affectionate may find it difficult to speak the love language of a person whose love language is physical touch. A person who finds it a pleasure to be always on the go, may find it difficult to speak the love language of one who craves quality time. It doesn’t mean the non-affectionate person, or the person who enjoys being a social butterfly does not love their partner, but it may result in at least one person in the relationship not feeling loved. So, what do we do about this problem?
For one, we don’t give up on learning to speak the love language of the other person. As with learning a new language, it takes work and perseverance to become fluent at speaking that language. It is certainly worth the time and effort to learn to speak the love language of the significant other person, or those who are close to you.
Secondly, if you are the one who feels a lack of love from a partner that, deep down, you know loves you, it is important to be patient with that partner as you persevere at speaking his or her love language(s). One of my favorite scriptures comes from Ephesians 4:2-3 which says: “with all humility and gentleness, with patience, showing tolerance for one another in love, being diligent to preserve the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.” Although these words are applied to all of those who are followers of Christ as they build a relationship with each other, certainly they are to be applied in our most intimate relationships such as marriage, as long as there is good intention from those involved.
Finally, it’s important to remember that love languages have to be learned. Once the other person’s language is learned, there must be practice and perseverance before feeling comfortable speaking a love language that is not yours. As you would be patient with a person who is trying to learn your verbal language, it is also necessary to be patient with those who are close to you who are trying to learn your love language.
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